Maybe it doesn't matter

I've just written of some of the most serious circumstances surrounding my fall, but maybe it just doesn't matter what the circumstances were. Maybe...or is there any "maybe" about it?

I knew what adultery was, and I knew that nothing can justify it.

And yet, at the time, it felt so right. I felt loved for the first time in a long time. I had a confidant. I had someone who saw good in me, and who cared about the things that interest me. Someone who loved me for ME. It felt so good.

I have never loved someone so much. No one has ever shown me such love.

It still feels good, to know that someone could actually love me for who I am, faults and all. It was never about sex. We never even touched each other. Although we wanted to. Ached to. At one point, I would have if given the opportunity.

That's part of why I'm struggling so hard. I've been starving for love and approval for so long that when someone actually offered it to me, I fell headfirst with absolutely no attempt to break the fall.

I regret offending God. But I am finding it very hard to regret loving such a wonderful human being. Does that mean that I haven't yet repented for my sin?

How can I regret love? My mother says that it's never a sin to love someone.

Maybe the only sin, then, is desire? Or is it a sin to love, too?

At night he's in my prayers. My love for him, my longing for him, and the deep pain of our separation and knowing that it never. can. be. And I offer up all that pain for the salvation of his soul. And I ask the Lord to heap the pain upon me if that sacrifice can somehow save his soul. But never more than I can bear.

Somehow, I have to get us both to heaven. And my husband too.